Finding My Way

I lost myself.

I look at myself and I have no idea who the person staring back at me is.

I have become someone else, so far from who I wanted to be. I lost my way and let my soul carry a burden that was not meant for it.

I became a monster, loathing myself and everything around, judging, and taking things personal. I let fear cloud me and my thought and my emotions take over.

How could I have let myself get this bad, I ask? Because I didn’t know there was anything wrong with me. I was comfortable in the haze and craze of life that I forgot to stop for a moment and just breathe. I forgot to take care of myself, always worrying about how others live their lives, worrying about things that had no structure until I gave into them. Worrying about an uncertain future and a distant past.

I forgot that I was the one in control. I let everything else control me.

I lost my way and lost my soul in the process. No, I didn’t lose my soul, I just hid her away and took away her calming spirit.

I forgot what it was like to just enjoy things for the sake of enjoyment. I forgot what it was like to be truly happy because I thought I already was, but oh how wrong I was.

The wise say that everything happens for a reason. Life gives you lessons and you can either ignore them and continue repeating the cycle or you can learn from them and become a better being.

I choose to be better and to learn from my mistakes. Too long I have gone on the path of destruction whether it be to myself, friends, family, and loved ones, and I see that much of it came from my attitude, my fears, and my insecurities.

So I am going to take this journey and cleanse my soul of all the negativity that has festered over the years, that has made me cringe at the sight of myself.

I will learn the true meaning of peace and happiness, living in the now, letting go, controlling my thoughts and emotions, appreciate everything more, love truly, and follow my dreams and achieve my goals.

I will work harder than I ever have before.

I know I have been given many chances in the past, but this time I had a rather massive wake up call. When you are on the verge of losing love or fixing yourself, you get your ass up and fix yourself.

Now, I know many of you are going to question  that you don’t need fixing, that you are perfect, but everyone has something they can work on, for themselves, to better themselves.

“Everything we do in life comes from a place of fear or a place of love. How often do you think you allow fear to motivate you? How many times do you act from a place of love? (Radical Self-Love, Gala Darling)”

Are you you always constantly worried about the future?

  • Unfortunately, I’m a worrier. When I was younger I set time frames for all the things I wanted and expected out of my life. Like when I’d finish school, when I’d start my career, when I’d get married, and when I’d start my family. Let me tell you, I’m 25 and worrying because all that planning has flown out the window and I don’t know how to take control anymore.
  • I’m learning that you don’t need to control every aspect of your life so there’s no use worrying. It will happen when it is meant to happen.
  • “You are here and now and your mind is in the future (Eckhart Tolle).”
  •  I didn’t listen to that inner thought and kept trying to control things and when things didn’t go as planned I freaked out and feared that it would never happen. It made me crazy and illogical, insecure. Honestly, this is something I need to change within myself because like I said everything has a time and place and the pieces will fall together when they are meant to.

Are your thoughts mostly negative?

  • This is another habit I have to kick. It’s easier to think negative thoughts. It’s harder to think of the positive. But here we go again with fear and insecurities. Negative thoughts are caused because we are scared of something whether it be fear of perfection, not being good enough, failure, being hurt, and so on.
  • “The ego is very vulnerable and insecure and sees itself as constantly under threat.  (The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle)”
  • When you let yourself be ruled by your mind, your emotions, and your ego, you start thinking of would could have been and what could be. You start thinking that you aren’t good enough and that others don’t see you the way you want to be seen.
  • My mother told me that The way you see and project yourself is the way that others see you.
  • So if you are always thinking negatively about yourself that’s what people are going to see and that’s what life will return to you, negativity. But you can change that way of thinking.
  • Learn to listen to your thoughts. Create gaps instead of mindless chatter and negativity. Change your negative thinking into positive affirmations.
  • Stop feeling sorry for yourself and learn to love yourself truly. Love and embrace everything about you, everything about your life.

We neglect to live our lives in the now, always worried about things long gone or things that may not ever happen. So you see, each and everyone of us can learn a little and cleanse the soul and become the best version of yourself possible.

The journey never ends and you keep going because it will be worth it and you will see how much your life changes for the better. Remember there is no end to this journey.

“Make no mistake,  your radical self-love journey does not happen in a day. Learning to love yourself is one of the biggest challenges you will ever face, and the work is never finished. It is a continual, ongoing process. (Gala Darling, Radical Self-Love)”

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