Am I Toxic?

There’s one thing we always seem to overlook as we cut off people and delete friends from our list, and that is that maybe we are the toxic ones, not them. And I don’t mean toxic like in Britney Spears’ declaration of hot sexy men.

We never think of ourselves as toxic. We think of ourselves as the brighter beings, better than thou, do no wrong, kind of people. But do we really practice what we preach? Probably not.

Its hard to fathom when you come to the realization that you may very well be the toxic one.

I never wanted to see it, to believe it, but the truth is in the pudding, so to speak. But it’s time that I come to terms with reality. I’m the toxic one and I need to change.

Toxic Behaviors:

  • Negative/ Jealousy
  • Constant Anxiety/ Fear
  • Mood Swings
  • Self-centered/ Needy
  • Stingy
  • Lack of initiative
  • Exploiting

These are some of the toxic behaviors I have been told I portray. I never thought it was possible that I would become one of these people, especially when I love so deeply. But one can love deeply and still be toxic. One can care so much and still be toxic.

Of course, a lot of this is learned behavior from a young age. Like never learning to share because you had to fend away three other siblings, yet you don’t care about spending or lending money because that comes and goes. Being self centered, because you never really got attention as a child. You were always in the corner, quiet and analyzing, never popular and lonely, even though you had friends. Lack of initiative because at the same time you were spoiled and had everything you could ever ask for, never really having to work for anything. I blame my parents for not forcing chores upon me and making me realize that my life would be much harder as an adult. Exploiting others? I’m not really sure. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. I always say thank you and hate taking from those who have less than me, but at the same time, I more often than not, take what is offered and barely give back at all. So yes, I can see how I take advantage .

Why am I like this?!

Then there’s the negative thoughts, about myself and others. I’m quick to judge though I tell myself that’s wrong.  But I do it and I won’t deny it. Constant state of anxiety and fear makes it hard for me to enjoy the simple things in life, enjoy being around others, and being a positive person to be around. But not always can I help this. I try and take medication, but the depression and the mood swings take over and I can’t function in society. I try and I try and it never seems to work. I cant seem to leap without looking. I want to fly, but my feet won’t leave the ground. I blame this on Major Depressive Disorder and Unspecified Bipolar Disorder.

But that’s no excuse. I can’t just blame everyone and everything around me for my actions, especially now that I am an adult and need to take responsibility for my own life and actions.

I just hope that I learn and grow from this realization and become the person I thought I was, and the person I want to be. I know it’s been said to me time and time again, but sometimes only repetition can make it sink in. And honestly, it’s the worst feeling to be thought of as the toxic one by the people that you love and love you. Some don’t even realize it themselves and some won’t tell you and some are toxic themselves.

All I know is that if I don’t want to lose it all, because I have come so far from where I once was, I have to make the change, make the effort to change. It’s not going to be an easy feat and will be filled with tests and challenges, but determination and perseverance will take you far.

I will be as resilient as a weed.


*** I’m sure there are more toxic behaviors that I exhibit that I don’t know about, though I hope there aren’t.

 

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