Spiritual Guidance – Spiritual Healing

Life is hard, isn’t it? Many times things go wrong, like Murphy’s Law, and sometimes we just lose ourselves in what we could have and should have done.

Now, I’m writing this because I have been challenged in this life, to become a better person than I was. I have a past, who doesn’t? It’s got it’s pretty parts and it’s dark parts too. What I’m trying to say is, don’t get too caught up in your [or anyone else’s] past. We all have them, but what matters is what we are doing about it, what we are learning and changing today. Because, honestly, today is all we have.

Recently I have been seeking spiritual guidance. I

tumblr_owwpa4zVvj1vekhnso1_1280go to this place called El Centro, where mediums speak of spiritualism and the practices we need to incorporate into our every day lives. Then they give you these passes to take away the negative energy from your own spirit. It sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but it’s not.

Last night began my journey of spiritual healing. I went to this place, despite my anxiety, despite wanting to hide and not bother, despite the fact that it was out of my way. I went because I want this. I want to be a better person and cleanse my soul and spirit of all the toxic and negative energy that has been collected over my 26 years of being on Earth.

The room was full of believers of the faith. I was alone, and yet, I wasn’t alone at all. But I’m not the mingling type, so I sat down in the back and I listened. Some of the teachings the mediums spoke about were: gratitude, balance, variety, patience, and the now.

 

Gratitude:

We all say that we are thankful, but how often do we show it? When we pray, how often do we say thank you instead of just asking God (or whomever you pray to) for what we need or want? When someone holds the door open for us? When someone buys us a little treat? When someone gives you a nice compliment. When someone gives you constructive criticism? When someone helps you? How often do we say thank you and how often do we show our appreciation? Not much.

I am guilty to a fault. I always say please and thank you, but sometimes I forget to pray unless I need something. Sometimes I don’t show the people around me, the people who love and care about me, how grateful I am to have them in my life. We forget, so consumed by our lives and our daily problems. It’s time to change that, however. We need to realize and show our gratitude every and any way possible. When you pray, thank God for what you already have and he shall give you more. You have to believe as well. Believe in the power and the magic of sincerity and thank yous. Help your lover cook and clean up. Help your parents out. Help your neighbor, friends, family. There are so many ways to show gratitude.

Here are some things that I am grateful for:

  • I am grateful to be alive
  • I am grateful I have people around me that love me
  • I am grateful for the strength to keep going
  • I am grateful I have a job
  • I am grateful for my father
  • I am grateful for my mother
  • I am grateful that I am able to learn and grow from my mistakes
  • I am grateful I have a bed to sleep in and food to eat
  • I am grateful that I can move, think, see, and hear.

What are you guys grateful for? Make a list. Keep it with you. Keep adding to that list.

Balance/Variety:

As humans, we get so caught up in this thing called life. We get caught up in insignificant things that keep us from actually living to our full potential. Some people work too much and have no fun at all and others have too much fun and neglect their responsibilities. Some are so focused on themselves, they forget about those around them, while some suffocate those around them and don’t take care of themselves. It’s a vicious cycle that needs to stop. You need to balance out the things you want and need to do and have variety in your life. Don’t do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

I, unfortunately, was the one who neglected taking care of myself and suffocated those around me. I kept thinking I needed to be around someone to be complete, but oh how wrong I was. I needed to spend time with myself, something I feared doing because I didn’t want to be alone. Guess what, I ended up alone and by myself. It’s not as bad as it sounds because I am growing and learning to have variety and balance in my life and in the near future I will be better for it.

Patience:

Patience isn’t exactly one of my many virtues, but I am learning to be patient and have faith in the process. I’m the type of person who likes instant result, who doesn’t? I want my acne cleanser to be instant. I want my fast-dry nail varnish to dry instantly. I want my depression and anxiety to go away instantly. We all know that life doesn’t work that way and thus why many of us give up.

I have given up a lot in the past, but obviously that hasn’t worked out well for me. I am struggling with many things in my life, but I am learning how to take care of myself and how to heal. The process is long and arduous, but it’s worth it.

When you don’t work on your patience, you tend to get derailed, you start to overthink, to worry. Nothing good comes from worrying and this I’ve learned the hard way. When you worry, you get stuck in the past, making yourself depressed or sick. How is this healthy for us? It isn’t and it’s not self-love either.

So let go, stop worrying, learn from your mistakes, have faith, and let life take its course, because when you have peace within your soul and spirit you open yourself up to the possibilities of the universe.

Now:

Right now. Not yesterday and not tomorrow, but now. Focus on what you are doing now. When you get caught up in the past, you hold yourself back. When you worry about the future, you forget to live. Remember, the past is over and gone, you can’t get it back and you can’t change it. The future doesn’t exist, so there is no use worrying over it. I know it’s cliche, but the words hold true: “Live today like there is no tomorrow.” Be the person you want to be right now. Do what you have to or want to do right now. Love yourself right now. Be thankful and show gratitude right now.

Life is happening now as I am writing this. But I feel alive. I am not wasting my now on the past or on my depression or negative thoughts and energy. No, I am taking the time to do what I love, writing. It is part of my healing process. I am also thankful that I have this knowledge that I can share with the world and hopefully help someone in need.

Be happy. Smile. You are alive!

 

 

 

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Broken Hearts Rarely Stay Broken

Eventually, the heart begins to mend, to heal. Eventually, you begin to forget how you feel and it all starts going back to normal, perhaps not right away, like right after a hurricane, the destruction litters the streets. It takes days, maybe weeks before recovery starts. It’s the same with your heart. Chaos ensues and it feels like the end. The heartache takes its tole on you making you feel absent and weak. And as the days go by the tears dry up and you start feeling normal again. After so much pain, did you ever think you would be okay?

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This wasn’t the first one, but it feels like the worst one. You forget how you cried for days and thought it was the end when he promised he’d never leave, but he just left you standing there. You emptied out your wounds, screaming at the moon wishing she would take it all away, take pity on your broken soul, reverse time because you don’t remember a time before you were together. But that was child’s play compared to the ache you feel today. Because that pain is long gone and today, today you feel despair and hopelessness. Today, you feel the weight of the world crushing you. Today, your wounds are open, salt in your veins. You pray for help and guidance and feel like they go unheard, but there is a greater force out there in the universe.

And so, eventually may not be any time soon, because eventually cannot be measured in minutes or in hours no matter how hard we pray. Eventually comes when we are ready even if we wish we were ready today.


I am hoping that one day my heart will be whole again. Though I doubt it will ever be whole, but broken pieces glued back together with cracks and missing parts. Parts that I gave away and never got back.

 

Am I Toxic?

There’s one thing we always seem to overlook as we cut off people and delete friends from our list, and that is that maybe we are the toxic ones, not them. And I don’t mean toxic like in Britney Spears’ declaration of hot sexy men.

We never think of ourselves as toxic. We think of ourselves as the brighter beings, better than thou, do no wrong, kind of people. But do we really practice what we preach? Probably not.

Its hard to fathom when you come to the realization that you may very well be the toxic one.

I never wanted to see it, to believe it, but the truth is in the pudding, so to speak. But it’s time that I come to terms with reality. I’m the toxic one and I need to change.

Toxic Behaviors:

  • Negative/ Jealousy
  • Constant Anxiety/ Fear
  • Mood Swings
  • Self-centered/ Needy
  • Stingy
  • Lack of initiative
  • Exploiting

These are some of the toxic behaviors I have been told I portray. I never thought it was possible that I would become one of these people, especially when I love so deeply. But one can love deeply and still be toxic. One can care so much and still be toxic.

Of course, a lot of this is learned behavior from a young age. Like never learning to share because you had to fend away three other siblings, yet you don’t care about spending or lending money because that comes and goes. Being self centered, because you never really got attention as a child. You were always in the corner, quiet and analyzing, never popular and lonely, even though you had friends. Lack of initiative because at the same time you were spoiled and had everything you could ever ask for, never really having to work for anything. I blame my parents for not forcing chores upon me and making me realize that my life would be much harder as an adult. Exploiting others? I’m not really sure. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. I always say thank you and hate taking from those who have less than me, but at the same time, I more often than not, take what is offered and barely give back at all. So yes, I can see how I take advantage .

Why am I like this?!

Then there’s the negative thoughts, about myself and others. I’m quick to judge though I tell myself that’s wrong.  But I do it and I won’t deny it. Constant state of anxiety and fear makes it hard for me to enjoy the simple things in life, enjoy being around others, and being a positive person to be around. But not always can I help this. I try and take medication, but the depression and the mood swings take over and I can’t function in society. I try and I try and it never seems to work. I cant seem to leap without looking. I want to fly, but my feet won’t leave the ground. I blame this on Major Depressive Disorder and Unspecified Bipolar Disorder.

But that’s no excuse. I can’t just blame everyone and everything around me for my actions, especially now that I am an adult and need to take responsibility for my own life and actions.

I just hope that I learn and grow from this realization and become the person I thought I was, and the person I want to be. I know it’s been said to me time and time again, but sometimes only repetition can make it sink in. And honestly, it’s the worst feeling to be thought of as the toxic one by the people that you love and love you. Some don’t even realize it themselves and some won’t tell you and some are toxic themselves.

All I know is that if I don’t want to lose it all, because I have come so far from where I once was, I have to make the change, make the effort to change. It’s not going to be an easy feat and will be filled with tests and challenges, but determination and perseverance will take you far.

I will be as resilient as a weed.


*** I’m sure there are more toxic behaviors that I exhibit that I don’t know about, though I hope there aren’t.

 

Self-care; Self-love


Every once in a while we need to make time for ourselves, to be by ourselves and recharge. It’s not selfish to do this because it’s just you taking care of yourself. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

I am an introverted extrovert, best of both worlds, but my introverted self likes to take time away from the world and other people. It was something people used to call me antisocial for (mainly my family), but I began to realise that it wasn’t me being antisocial, it was me taking care of myself.

Certain people and situations tend to drain my batteries and leave me dull, tired, depressed, sad, and just wanting to be alone. So that is exactly what I do, I shut myself away from the world and focus on myself.

This is exactly what I did last night. While my boyfriend went off to the neighbors house to watch a soccer match, I couldn’t even fake enthusiasm. I was so tired of social interactions and anything having to deal with thinking and talking. I had a hell of a week trying to straighten up a car accident with the insurance agency and dealing with school and a very untastedul class and professor. I mean she tries me every class because I stood up to her about depression. (She was wrong and I was going to call her out on it.) I was just fine with dealing with people. I couldn’t. So I didn’t.

I stayed in the room watching tv and trying not to think. I picked up a book (Radical Self-love) and began to read and as I read I began to write. That did it. I was so engrossed in my writing that I didn’t mind being alone. I welcomed it. I enjoyed it. My batteries were well on their way to being charged. By the time my boyfriend got back I felt much better, happier, lighter, and less depressed. 

In no way was I trying to ignore my loved ones and my friends, but I can’t be around people when I’m drained. Drainage of my mind brings out the worst in me (i.e. Moodiness, depression, quietness, irritability, etc.) and that is not the person I want to share with the world, no, that is the person that I need to dedicate time to and take care of. 

This is probably one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. Take time out of your busy schedule to relax, focus on your mental health, get to know yourself, do what you like and what you want. Being alone with yourself allows you to become acquainted with yourself.

I do this to recharge. I do this because I love myself.

I have mentioned before how I suffer from mental health illnesses and more often than not you want to be alone. Luckily, I have been overcoming this and have been more outgoing and social, but being too social drains me. Being alone allows me to recharge my emotions and my mental being, otherwise I would be incapable of not only having a good time and experience, but also showing the healthy, brilliant, confident, and sociable side of myself. And that is who I truly am. I can’t truly be myself without taking care of myself first.

Like I said before, it’s not selfish. It is healthy and it is love. You need to dedicate time to yourself like you dedicate time to your job, education, friends, and family. There needs to be a balance, like everything in life. Find your form of self care and self love and do it. Do it often.

*Things I do to recharge:

  • Be alone
  • Watch tv
  • Draw/paint
  • Read
  • Write
  • Do my nails
  • Etc.

These are some of the things I do to recharge my mental batteries. Try them out. Don’t be afraid to spend time with yourself and get to know who you truly are.

Family or Self Happiness

One of the toughest questions many have to face is, do we do what we can to make our family happy or what we need to do to make ourselves happy?

For many the answer will be different and for some it will be the same. However, only one answer will help you on your own path.

I have gone through so many situations in my life where I have chosen to help family and do what I have to just to make them happy, but I always suffered for it, just like I suffered last night. Let’s just say my mother decided to drag me into her problems and I was faced with either helping her in a time of need or forfeiting and doing what is best for myself. I wanted to do the latte, but I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I was in the middle of a drama I had no part in and my mother didn’t appreciate it. No, I had to stay and pick up after her. But I was done. I wasn’t going to pick up after her mess when I had my own problems and life I had to deal with.

My entire life I had spent trying to make others happy and this year I decided to make myself happy and stronger and focus on what will make me happier, my own life, and fixing my own problems.

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So when faced with the aforementioned question, for me, choosing my own happiness is the right path.I have been hurt and scorned too many times to do what others think I should and trying to get others approval. I am done with that because I realised that I don’t need their approval at all, especially not to be happy. I am not going to risk my mental health and happiness for anyone. Sure I may sound like a bad person, unappreciative, etc., but nothing anyone says is going to change or deter me.I am always there for those I love, but sometimes, for their own well-being, as well as ours, you have to put your foot down and say no.

In this life, many want us to be their very own enablers and then they will stab you in the back when they don’t get that. (I don’t mean literally or even to the extent that I make it sound.) You have to be the strong one, the thinker, the empathetic yet strict one. You cant give everyone what they want and lose yourself in the process. I will not do that to myself anymore.

One of the reasons I started this journey is so that I can find my own strength and happiness not so that I can keep throwing myself under the bus for others.

Open Minds; Open Hearts

Depression*. Such a heavy topic, but one that needs to be addressed.

*This is a very real topic and there are real situations in this post that may trigger and or bother some. Please read with caution, understanding, and an open heart.

 


I suffer from major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder. The only way that I can function like a normal person is by taking medication. It doesn’t always work and someday’s are better than others. It is an illness and there is no cure. I am fine with that because I have accepted it in my life and have learned how to live a happy and healthy life despite the struggles that it causes.

Now that I have addressed my own personal mental illness, let me just say that mental illnesses are no joke. They are illnesses that tear apart the lives of people we love and sometimes we don’t even realize it.

This past week, a beloved son and friend killed himself because of depression. He was a man who loved and cared about the world and the people in it. He loved making others laugh. Nobody really knew how bad the world affected him.

This hit close to home because there have been many times where I have sunk deep into this illness and wanted no more. Fortunately, I learned how to love myself, but that is a process I fight to keep each and every day because I am not cured. I still suffer at times, but I can control it better. One of the reasons that I started this journey of radical soul cleansing;this is why I read books that help me learn to deal, why I read books that help me learn to love myself and become stronger. I was and am fortunate, but not everyone is.

Last week, in one of my education classes in college I had an argument (for lack of a better word) with my professor (whom is currently working on a Ph.D). She stated that everyone has depression and that through higher education (a.k.a. going to college) you can overcome it. After having a friend who committed suicide and suffering from mental illness myself, I could not excuse her uneducated analysis of mental illnesses.

My hand shot up into the air violently and my mouth opened with a harsh “excuse me, but no.” I clearly explained to her and everyone in the class, who prior to my interruption seemed to find the topic hilarious, that depression is not something you can cure with higher education. Sure, being educated allows you to learn about the illnesses and learn how one can better deal with it. I have been educated my entire life and am still seeking education (I am working towards becoming an elementary school teacher) and I suffer from depression, along with another mental illness.

It is unfortunate how many people have no knowledge or understanding of these illnesses. How they can laugh about it because they have never had to deal with it. They have no idea how much people suffer and what it can lead to. To them it’s a joke. “Just get over it!” they say. “Stop worrying.” If it were that easy, don’t you think we would stop? Don’t you think we want to stop? Of course we do. It’s not fun. But it’s also not easy.

I have started this journey to help myself and realize how strong, beautiful, and amazing I am. To stop myself from worrying about yesterday and about tomorrow. To one day help those around me. And to have a happy and healthy life that I can be proud of.

I have become very outspoken since I began. I will no longer be a bystander, but I will stand up and fight for what I believe in. I will do the things that make me happy, feel stronger and more confident despite what everyone else may think or be doing. I am going to be the person I should have been from the beginning. I am going to please my soul before anyone else. I think that is the path to becoming truly happy and truly oneself. I hope others can follow this example and be the amazing people that they want to be despite the struggles. It is hard, but it is worth it.

Finding Myself In Wonderland 

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

“I don’t much care where-”

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go”


I lost myself, that much I know. Reality sucks sometimes, it can hurt, but it can also make you stronger. I want to be stronger. I want to work on myself and do what I need to do in order to get back on the right track; in order to find myself. Unfortunately, I faced a dilemma that I am sure many of us have faced:

Where the hell do I start?

That question was the one thing keeping me from moving forward, at least in the regard of going about bettering myself. So I looked for answers. I asked for advice I didn’t want and many ideas on how I should go about it, but nothing seemed to resonate with me. I felt lost and confused. I was getting so many mixed signals and with my hurt feelings I didn’t know what to think or do. It was all so much that I stopped listening all together.

Fuck reality, I thought. Just fuck it all. 

That’s when realisation hit me. I didn’t have to do anything, not anything standard anyway. I didn’t have to go by a timeframe or begin at a particular spot. Just pick and go with it. It can be changing the way that you look, cleaning your space, cleansing your social media, meditating, yoga, etc., the possibilities are endless.

I mean look at Alice, she had no idea which way to go nor did it matter much. She just wanted to get somewhere, so any road would do.

I honestly had no idea where to start. The only thing I knew is where I wanted to end up: with a cleansed soul, self love, confidence, happiness, positivity, peace and as a better person. So what did I do? I started throwing out what was cluttering my life. I deleted the negativity off my social media and I decided to take a yoga class.

Let me just say I was scared, no, I was terrified. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I was so ready and determined yesterday, like nothing could stop me and then this morning I felt sick and nervous. Except that wasn’t really me. That was my head coming up with excuses of why I couldn’t do it. It was ready to bail on my plans. These were excuses that weren’t real, that I was just making up because I was scared to go into the unknown alone, to try something new without the training wheels and someone holding my hand. 

Do you want to know what I learned: about yoga and about myself?

Yoga is hard. It takes physical and mental strength, constant breathing, focus, letting go of bad energy, receiving good energy, opening up yourself to the spiritual. It is also peaceful and inviting and positive. It is enlightening and empowering.

The yoga studio I went to, Enso yoga in Miami Springs, was a little piece of heaven. It was like a place out of Wonderland with its gardens , music, and incense. Everyone there was so friendly and inviting and ready to help. They were all amazing! (Especially the instructor Gricet Cisnero. An amazing person and so easy to talk to and full of light)

What I learned about myself: I had nothing to fear. I had my own strength within. I wasn’t perfect by any means, but I was able to do what I intended to do. With a little help, I was able to do the poses even if for a short while. I was able to feel the energy and peace. I wasn’t alone. I was able to see inside myself and find my power, I was able to find some peace and let go of some things that were bothering me, things I had no control over. (That’s not an easy thing to do when you’re a control freak, but little by little, when you try to understand others perspectives and accept them for who they are, there is no need for complete and total control.)

You won’t make it in one day. If you thought it would be easy and that saying your changed in one day, that’s a lie. It takes time and effort like everything else in your life. However, you won’t make it at all if you don’t start somewhere.

So if you’re a little lost like me, that’s okay. You don’t have any rules on how to go about this, except whatever you do, make sure it is to better yourself. Start small, but start. And don’t stop. Don’t let fear keep you from going and from being the best person you can be. Don’t let fear make you believe that you aren’t good enough or strong enough because you are. You are as strong as you limit yourself to be and if you push through those limitations you will find that you are much stronger than you could have ever imagined.

“Follow your soul, it knows the way.”

Time is not of the essence

“Give yourself five minutes to be upset or angry or sad, then tell yourself ‘can’t change it’ and go about your day.”  

(My best friend wrote these words to me.)


This morning I was a mess. 

I let myself think, my mind wander, dredge through a swamp of uncertainty. Every thought landed on the past: What I could have done better, what I should have been grateful for, more loving and empathetic, and accepting.

I remembered each and every memory as I put away each article of clothing. I cried. I cried my heart out for the happiness of those times that I wanted back, times that I may never get back. I cried because the future was so uncertain and I didn’t know how much time was left. I wanted the future to come already, but not just any future, the future I had created in my head, the one I had full control over, the one where everything was was fine.

I cried some more and let the heartache wash over me until it didn’t. 

I’m worrying about a time that no longer exists and wasting my life crying over something I cannot control.

Things to think about:

  • End the delusion of time.
  • Stop trying to control what you can’t.

In the words of Eckhart Tolle: how to stop creating time?

“Realise deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”

I’m sure I have said it before that our future is never guaranteed. Tomorrow is not a certainty and guess what, it’s not written in stone either. You have the chance to do anything that you put your heart and soul into, but it starts by living and working in the now, not putting it off or worrying about what can happen tomorrow.

“Why leave something for tomorrow that can be done today?” I know we’ve all heard it time and time again.

So how do we end the delusion of time? You remove it from your mind. 

I know, easier said than done. Stop thinking about it, just stop. When a thought of the past comes up, stop. When a worry about the future comes up just stop. Change your train of thought. Think of something else, something right in front of you. 

When time is the only thing on your mind it becomes all you can think about. It becomes an obsession. 

Tolle puts it this way: “to be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time. The compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation creates an endless preoccupation with past and future and an unwillingness to honour and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be.”

What does this mean?

It means that if all you do is focus on the past and the future and wondering when and if , then you forget to think about and live in the now. Your mind becomes so muddle-headed that nothing else seems to matter.

“The compulsion arises because the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfilment in whatever form.”

Many of us affiliate with our pasts. Sure it has formed who we are today, but we must realise that we are not our past. We have transformed and learned since our earlier time so we are much different that our past. That is if we haven’t stayed stuck in a cycle of repetition. 

The future, on the other hand, we seek salvation. We think that everything will be fixed in the future, that everything will come together, and eventually what is meant to be will be, but not without you working on it, focusing your attention on the now and actually doing what needs to be done.

Earlier today, after I got my head out of the chamber of despair, a.k.a. my memories, and the looking to my future for answers, I read part of the Radical Self-love Almanac by Gala Darling.

The real problem was that I wasn’t doing anything about it. I was too busing hoping and wishing that all my problems would go away or get resolved somehow. I felt like I was doing so much yet I was doing nothing at all.

“Were these rituals just a way of making me feel like I was ‘doing the work,’ when really I was just being lazy and expecting a candle to change my life? Was I REALLY getting in there and getting my hands dirty, or was I hoping a candle would manifest blessings without any effort on my part? (Gala Darling)”

I am guilty. I have lit candles and prayed, held crystals and tried to manifest what I wanted into the world without getting the results I wanted. Not saying that it doesn’t work or that it’s a waste of time. No, this gives you something to hope for and helps you project what you want in life. But the problem is what are YOU doing about it? I did something yet nothing. 

“You’re thinking about making changes. You’re not actually doing the work or committing to it in the here and now.”

That’s exactly what I wasn’t doing. 

“I’ve since come to a deeper realisation that magic is not about lighting some incense and crossing your fingers. Magic works when you do.”

I can’t sit around and say I haven’t done this. 

I have sat around, wished and hoped, but did I ever really try, get my hands dirty? No, not really. There was honestly much more I could have been doing, for myself and others. But I was lazy and unwilling, complacent. I did things half-assed and made myself believe that I worked hard. I’m pretty sure that if I had actually worked hard, even just a little bit harder, I wouldn’t be where I am today, at least not in the same situation I am today.

Not that I know where I would have been had I done things differently, but if I Had put more focus and effort into doing: finding a good job, finishing school, etc., I would have been further than I am today. But as I said before, I was lazy and complacent where I was never moving up.

To be completely honest, I had let time constraints tell me where I should be, yet I haven’t actually done anything to get there. I’ve been waitin and expecting others to push me into that direction when in reality that is my responsibility. I need to stop and focus and do.

Go to school [and finish], find a job, make more money, actually save my money, learn to cook, clean up after myself, take responsibility, etc.

I’ve been acting like a child. 

I’ve always had someone else take responsibility for my life and having to keep after me, but aren’t I a grown ass woman? Why should everything be done for me when I am old enough and capable enough. I should be doing more and helping out more especially those who always help me and do things for me. 

What I mean by this is not spending a shit ton of money on someone, but actually emphasising, caring, and being grateful. 

I know I’m getting off on a tangent but it’s all relative. It all comes back full circle. 

When you do what needs to be done and help others you show your gratitude and you feel much more fulfilled.

I am guilty of this. I took it for granted. I was (am) a spoiled princess who helped out once in a while, just enough, but never really doing much. Unfortunately, I can’t stay stuck in the past and regret all my wrong decisions just because things have turned out they way they have, but I can learn from it and start doing more now, today and every day. 

Which brings me to the illusion of control. I am a control freak. It’s a nasty habit that I need to cut. I may be able to control my actions and feelings and words, but I can’t change the past and I can’t control the future or others. Everything will happen just as it should and I need to learn to be patient. I can’t always control everything and I have to stop worrying about what I can’t control, about what isn’t even there. 

Lessons for the soul and mind:

  • Stop letting thoughts and emotions control you.
  • Stop worrying about the past and future.
  • Work hard and put in the effort.
  • Be grateful.

    Finding My Way

    I lost myself.

    I look at myself and I have no idea who the person staring back at me is.

    I have become someone else, so far from who I wanted to be. I lost my way and let my soul carry a burden that was not meant for it.

    I became a monster, loathing myself and everything around, judging, and taking things personal. I let fear cloud me and my thought and my emotions take over.

    How could I have let myself get this bad, I ask? Because I didn’t know there was anything wrong with me. I was comfortable in the haze and craze of life that I forgot to stop for a moment and just breathe. I forgot to take care of myself, always worrying about how others live their lives, worrying about things that had no structure until I gave into them. Worrying about an uncertain future and a distant past.

    I forgot that I was the one in control. I let everything else control me.

    I lost my way and lost my soul in the process. No, I didn’t lose my soul, I just hid her away and took away her calming spirit.

    I forgot what it was like to just enjoy things for the sake of enjoyment. I forgot what it was like to be truly happy because I thought I already was, but oh how wrong I was.

    The wise say that everything happens for a reason. Life gives you lessons and you can either ignore them and continue repeating the cycle or you can learn from them and become a better being.

    I choose to be better and to learn from my mistakes. Too long I have gone on the path of destruction whether it be to myself, friends, family, and loved ones, and I see that much of it came from my attitude, my fears, and my insecurities.

    So I am going to take this journey and cleanse my soul of all the negativity that has festered over the years, that has made me cringe at the sight of myself.

    I will learn the true meaning of peace and happiness, living in the now, letting go, controlling my thoughts and emotions, appreciate everything more, love truly, and follow my dreams and achieve my goals.

    I will work harder than I ever have before.

    I know I have been given many chances in the past, but this time I had a rather massive wake up call. When you are on the verge of losing love or fixing yourself, you get your ass up and fix yourself.

    Now, I know many of you are going to question  that you don’t need fixing, that you are perfect, but everyone has something they can work on, for themselves, to better themselves.

    “Everything we do in life comes from a place of fear or a place of love. How often do you think you allow fear to motivate you? How many times do you act from a place of love? (Radical Self-Love, Gala Darling)”

    Are you you always constantly worried about the future?

    • Unfortunately, I’m a worrier. When I was younger I set time frames for all the things I wanted and expected out of my life. Like when I’d finish school, when I’d start my career, when I’d get married, and when I’d start my family. Let me tell you, I’m 25 and worrying because all that planning has flown out the window and I don’t know how to take control anymore.
    • I’m learning that you don’t need to control every aspect of your life so there’s no use worrying. It will happen when it is meant to happen.
    • “You are here and now and your mind is in the future (Eckhart Tolle).”
    •  I didn’t listen to that inner thought and kept trying to control things and when things didn’t go as planned I freaked out and feared that it would never happen. It made me crazy and illogical, insecure. Honestly, this is something I need to change within myself because like I said everything has a time and place and the pieces will fall together when they are meant to.

    Are your thoughts mostly negative?

    • This is another habit I have to kick. It’s easier to think negative thoughts. It’s harder to think of the positive. But here we go again with fear and insecurities. Negative thoughts are caused because we are scared of something whether it be fear of perfection, not being good enough, failure, being hurt, and so on.
    • “The ego is very vulnerable and insecure and sees itself as constantly under threat.  (The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle)”
    • When you let yourself be ruled by your mind, your emotions, and your ego, you start thinking of would could have been and what could be. You start thinking that you aren’t good enough and that others don’t see you the way you want to be seen.
    • My mother told me that The way you see and project yourself is the way that others see you.
    • So if you are always thinking negatively about yourself that’s what people are going to see and that’s what life will return to you, negativity. But you can change that way of thinking.
    • Learn to listen to your thoughts. Create gaps instead of mindless chatter and negativity. Change your negative thinking into positive affirmations.
    • Stop feeling sorry for yourself and learn to love yourself truly. Love and embrace everything about you, everything about your life.

    We neglect to live our lives in the now, always worried about things long gone or things that may not ever happen. So you see, each and everyone of us can learn a little and cleanse the soul and become the best version of yourself possible.

    The journey never ends and you keep going because it will be worth it and you will see how much your life changes for the better. Remember there is no end to this journey.

    “Make no mistake,  your radical self-love journey does not happen in a day. Learning to love yourself is one of the biggest challenges you will ever face, and the work is never finished. It is a continual, ongoing process. (Gala Darling, Radical Self-Love)”