Am I Toxic?

There’s one thing we always seem to overlook as we cut off people and delete friends from our list, and that is that maybe we are the toxic ones, not them. And I don’t mean toxic like in Britney Spears’ declaration of hot sexy men.

We never think of ourselves as toxic. We think of ourselves as the brighter beings, better than thou, do no wrong, kind of people. But do we really practice what we preach? Probably not.

Its hard to fathom when you come to the realization that you may very well be the toxic one.

I never wanted to see it, to believe it, but the truth is in the pudding, so to speak. But it’s time that I come to terms with reality. I’m the toxic one and I need to change.

Toxic Behaviors:

  • Negative/ Jealousy
  • Constant Anxiety/ Fear
  • Mood Swings
  • Self-centered/ Needy
  • Stingy
  • Lack of initiative
  • Exploiting

These are some of the toxic behaviors I have been told I portray. I never thought it was possible that I would become one of these people, especially when I love so deeply. But one can love deeply and still be toxic. One can care so much and still be toxic.

Of course, a lot of this is learned behavior from a young age. Like never learning to share because you had to fend away three other siblings, yet you don’t care about spending or lending money because that comes and goes. Being self centered, because you never really got attention as a child. You were always in the corner, quiet and analyzing, never popular and lonely, even though you had friends. Lack of initiative because at the same time you were spoiled and had everything you could ever ask for, never really having to work for anything. I blame my parents for not forcing chores upon me and making me realize that my life would be much harder as an adult. Exploiting others? I’m not really sure. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. I always say thank you and hate taking from those who have less than me, but at the same time, I more often than not, take what is offered and barely give back at all. So yes, I can see how I take advantage .

Why am I like this?!

Then there’s the negative thoughts, about myself and others. I’m quick to judge though I tell myself that’s wrong.  But I do it and I won’t deny it. Constant state of anxiety and fear makes it hard for me to enjoy the simple things in life, enjoy being around others, and being a positive person to be around. But not always can I help this. I try and take medication, but the depression and the mood swings take over and I can’t function in society. I try and I try and it never seems to work. I cant seem to leap without looking. I want to fly, but my feet won’t leave the ground. I blame this on Major Depressive Disorder and Unspecified Bipolar Disorder.

But that’s no excuse. I can’t just blame everyone and everything around me for my actions, especially now that I am an adult and need to take responsibility for my own life and actions.

I just hope that I learn and grow from this realization and become the person I thought I was, and the person I want to be. I know it’s been said to me time and time again, but sometimes only repetition can make it sink in. And honestly, it’s the worst feeling to be thought of as the toxic one by the people that you love and love you. Some don’t even realize it themselves and some won’t tell you and some are toxic themselves.

All I know is that if I don’t want to lose it all, because I have come so far from where I once was, I have to make the change, make the effort to change. It’s not going to be an easy feat and will be filled with tests and challenges, but determination and perseverance will take you far.

I will be as resilient as a weed.


*** I’m sure there are more toxic behaviors that I exhibit that I don’t know about, though I hope there aren’t.

 

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Open Minds; Open Hearts

Depression*. Such a heavy topic, but one that needs to be addressed.

*This is a very real topic and there are real situations in this post that may trigger and or bother some. Please read with caution, understanding, and an open heart.

 


I suffer from major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder. The only way that I can function like a normal person is by taking medication. It doesn’t always work and someday’s are better than others. It is an illness and there is no cure. I am fine with that because I have accepted it in my life and have learned how to live a happy and healthy life despite the struggles that it causes.

Now that I have addressed my own personal mental illness, let me just say that mental illnesses are no joke. They are illnesses that tear apart the lives of people we love and sometimes we don’t even realize it.

This past week, a beloved son and friend killed himself because of depression. He was a man who loved and cared about the world and the people in it. He loved making others laugh. Nobody really knew how bad the world affected him.

This hit close to home because there have been many times where I have sunk deep into this illness and wanted no more. Fortunately, I learned how to love myself, but that is a process I fight to keep each and every day because I am not cured. I still suffer at times, but I can control it better. One of the reasons that I started this journey of radical soul cleansing;this is why I read books that help me learn to deal, why I read books that help me learn to love myself and become stronger. I was and am fortunate, but not everyone is.

Last week, in one of my education classes in college I had an argument (for lack of a better word) with my professor (whom is currently working on a Ph.D). She stated that everyone has depression and that through higher education (a.k.a. going to college) you can overcome it. After having a friend who committed suicide and suffering from mental illness myself, I could not excuse her uneducated analysis of mental illnesses.

My hand shot up into the air violently and my mouth opened with a harsh “excuse me, but no.” I clearly explained to her and everyone in the class, who prior to my interruption seemed to find the topic hilarious, that depression is not something you can cure with higher education. Sure, being educated allows you to learn about the illnesses and learn how one can better deal with it. I have been educated my entire life and am still seeking education (I am working towards becoming an elementary school teacher) and I suffer from depression, along with another mental illness.

It is unfortunate how many people have no knowledge or understanding of these illnesses. How they can laugh about it because they have never had to deal with it. They have no idea how much people suffer and what it can lead to. To them it’s a joke. “Just get over it!” they say. “Stop worrying.” If it were that easy, don’t you think we would stop? Don’t you think we want to stop? Of course we do. It’s not fun. But it’s also not easy.

I have started this journey to help myself and realize how strong, beautiful, and amazing I am. To stop myself from worrying about yesterday and about tomorrow. To one day help those around me. And to have a happy and healthy life that I can be proud of.

I have become very outspoken since I began. I will no longer be a bystander, but I will stand up and fight for what I believe in. I will do the things that make me happy, feel stronger and more confident despite what everyone else may think or be doing. I am going to be the person I should have been from the beginning. I am going to please my soul before anyone else. I think that is the path to becoming truly happy and truly oneself. I hope others can follow this example and be the amazing people that they want to be despite the struggles. It is hard, but it is worth it.