Family or Self Happiness

One of the toughest questions many have to face is, do we do what we can to make our family happy or what we need to do to make ourselves happy?

For many the answer will be different and for some it will be the same. However, only one answer will help you on your own path.

I have gone through so many situations in my life where I have chosen to help family and do what I have to just to make them happy, but I always suffered for it, just like I suffered last night. Let’s just say my mother decided to drag me into her problems and I was faced with either helping her in a time of need or forfeiting and doing what is best for myself. I wanted to do the latte, but I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I was in the middle of a drama I had no part in and my mother didn’t appreciate it. No, I had to stay and pick up after her. But I was done. I wasn’t going to pick up after her mess when I had my own problems and life I had to deal with.

My entire life I had spent trying to make others happy and this year I decided to make myself happy and stronger and focus on what will make me happier, my own life, and fixing my own problems.

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So when faced with the aforementioned question, for me, choosing my own happiness is the right path.I have been hurt and scorned too many times to do what others think I should and trying to get others approval. I am done with that because I realised that I don’t need their approval at all, especially not to be happy. I am not going to risk my mental health and happiness for anyone. Sure I may sound like a bad person, unappreciative, etc., but nothing anyone says is going to change or deter me.I am always there for those I love, but sometimes, for their own well-being, as well as ours, you have to put your foot down and say no.

In this life, many want us to be their very own enablers and then they will stab you in the back when they don’t get that. (I don’t mean literally or even to the extent that I make it sound.) You have to be the strong one, the thinker, the empathetic yet strict one. You cant give everyone what they want and lose yourself in the process. I will not do that to myself anymore.

One of the reasons I started this journey is so that I can find my own strength and happiness not so that I can keep throwing myself under the bus for others.

Finding Myself In Wonderland 

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

“I don’t much care where-”

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go”


I lost myself, that much I know. Reality sucks sometimes, it can hurt, but it can also make you stronger. I want to be stronger. I want to work on myself and do what I need to do in order to get back on the right track; in order to find myself. Unfortunately, I faced a dilemma that I am sure many of us have faced:

Where the hell do I start?

That question was the one thing keeping me from moving forward, at least in the regard of going about bettering myself. So I looked for answers. I asked for advice I didn’t want and many ideas on how I should go about it, but nothing seemed to resonate with me. I felt lost and confused. I was getting so many mixed signals and with my hurt feelings I didn’t know what to think or do. It was all so much that I stopped listening all together.

Fuck reality, I thought. Just fuck it all. 

That’s when realisation hit me. I didn’t have to do anything, not anything standard anyway. I didn’t have to go by a timeframe or begin at a particular spot. Just pick and go with it. It can be changing the way that you look, cleaning your space, cleansing your social media, meditating, yoga, etc., the possibilities are endless.

I mean look at Alice, she had no idea which way to go nor did it matter much. She just wanted to get somewhere, so any road would do.

I honestly had no idea where to start. The only thing I knew is where I wanted to end up: with a cleansed soul, self love, confidence, happiness, positivity, peace and as a better person. So what did I do? I started throwing out what was cluttering my life. I deleted the negativity off my social media and I decided to take a yoga class.

Let me just say I was scared, no, I was terrified. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I was so ready and determined yesterday, like nothing could stop me and then this morning I felt sick and nervous. Except that wasn’t really me. That was my head coming up with excuses of why I couldn’t do it. It was ready to bail on my plans. These were excuses that weren’t real, that I was just making up because I was scared to go into the unknown alone, to try something new without the training wheels and someone holding my hand. 

Do you want to know what I learned: about yoga and about myself?

Yoga is hard. It takes physical and mental strength, constant breathing, focus, letting go of bad energy, receiving good energy, opening up yourself to the spiritual. It is also peaceful and inviting and positive. It is enlightening and empowering.

The yoga studio I went to, Enso yoga in Miami Springs, was a little piece of heaven. It was like a place out of Wonderland with its gardens , music, and incense. Everyone there was so friendly and inviting and ready to help. They were all amazing! (Especially the instructor Gricet Cisnero. An amazing person and so easy to talk to and full of light)

What I learned about myself: I had nothing to fear. I had my own strength within. I wasn’t perfect by any means, but I was able to do what I intended to do. With a little help, I was able to do the poses even if for a short while. I was able to feel the energy and peace. I wasn’t alone. I was able to see inside myself and find my power, I was able to find some peace and let go of some things that were bothering me, things I had no control over. (That’s not an easy thing to do when you’re a control freak, but little by little, when you try to understand others perspectives and accept them for who they are, there is no need for complete and total control.)

You won’t make it in one day. If you thought it would be easy and that saying your changed in one day, that’s a lie. It takes time and effort like everything else in your life. However, you won’t make it at all if you don’t start somewhere.

So if you’re a little lost like me, that’s okay. You don’t have any rules on how to go about this, except whatever you do, make sure it is to better yourself. Start small, but start. And don’t stop. Don’t let fear keep you from going and from being the best person you can be. Don’t let fear make you believe that you aren’t good enough or strong enough because you are. You are as strong as you limit yourself to be and if you push through those limitations you will find that you are much stronger than you could have ever imagined.

“Follow your soul, it knows the way.”

Finding My Way

I lost myself.

I look at myself and I have no idea who the person staring back at me is.

I have become someone else, so far from who I wanted to be. I lost my way and let my soul carry a burden that was not meant for it.

I became a monster, loathing myself and everything around, judging, and taking things personal. I let fear cloud me and my thought and my emotions take over.

How could I have let myself get this bad, I ask? Because I didn’t know there was anything wrong with me. I was comfortable in the haze and craze of life that I forgot to stop for a moment and just breathe. I forgot to take care of myself, always worrying about how others live their lives, worrying about things that had no structure until I gave into them. Worrying about an uncertain future and a distant past.

I forgot that I was the one in control. I let everything else control me.

I lost my way and lost my soul in the process. No, I didn’t lose my soul, I just hid her away and took away her calming spirit.

I forgot what it was like to just enjoy things for the sake of enjoyment. I forgot what it was like to be truly happy because I thought I already was, but oh how wrong I was.

The wise say that everything happens for a reason. Life gives you lessons and you can either ignore them and continue repeating the cycle or you can learn from them and become a better being.

I choose to be better and to learn from my mistakes. Too long I have gone on the path of destruction whether it be to myself, friends, family, and loved ones, and I see that much of it came from my attitude, my fears, and my insecurities.

So I am going to take this journey and cleanse my soul of all the negativity that has festered over the years, that has made me cringe at the sight of myself.

I will learn the true meaning of peace and happiness, living in the now, letting go, controlling my thoughts and emotions, appreciate everything more, love truly, and follow my dreams and achieve my goals.

I will work harder than I ever have before.

I know I have been given many chances in the past, but this time I had a rather massive wake up call. When you are on the verge of losing love or fixing yourself, you get your ass up and fix yourself.

Now, I know many of you are going to question  that you don’t need fixing, that you are perfect, but everyone has something they can work on, for themselves, to better themselves.

“Everything we do in life comes from a place of fear or a place of love. How often do you think you allow fear to motivate you? How many times do you act from a place of love? (Radical Self-Love, Gala Darling)”

Are you you always constantly worried about the future?

  • Unfortunately, I’m a worrier. When I was younger I set time frames for all the things I wanted and expected out of my life. Like when I’d finish school, when I’d start my career, when I’d get married, and when I’d start my family. Let me tell you, I’m 25 and worrying because all that planning has flown out the window and I don’t know how to take control anymore.
  • I’m learning that you don’t need to control every aspect of your life so there’s no use worrying. It will happen when it is meant to happen.
  • “You are here and now and your mind is in the future (Eckhart Tolle).”
  •  I didn’t listen to that inner thought and kept trying to control things and when things didn’t go as planned I freaked out and feared that it would never happen. It made me crazy and illogical, insecure. Honestly, this is something I need to change within myself because like I said everything has a time and place and the pieces will fall together when they are meant to.

Are your thoughts mostly negative?

  • This is another habit I have to kick. It’s easier to think negative thoughts. It’s harder to think of the positive. But here we go again with fear and insecurities. Negative thoughts are caused because we are scared of something whether it be fear of perfection, not being good enough, failure, being hurt, and so on.
  • “The ego is very vulnerable and insecure and sees itself as constantly under threat.  (The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle)”
  • When you let yourself be ruled by your mind, your emotions, and your ego, you start thinking of would could have been and what could be. You start thinking that you aren’t good enough and that others don’t see you the way you want to be seen.
  • My mother told me that The way you see and project yourself is the way that others see you.
  • So if you are always thinking negatively about yourself that’s what people are going to see and that’s what life will return to you, negativity. But you can change that way of thinking.
  • Learn to listen to your thoughts. Create gaps instead of mindless chatter and negativity. Change your negative thinking into positive affirmations.
  • Stop feeling sorry for yourself and learn to love yourself truly. Love and embrace everything about you, everything about your life.

We neglect to live our lives in the now, always worried about things long gone or things that may not ever happen. So you see, each and everyone of us can learn a little and cleanse the soul and become the best version of yourself possible.

The journey never ends and you keep going because it will be worth it and you will see how much your life changes for the better. Remember there is no end to this journey.

“Make no mistake,  your radical self-love journey does not happen in a day. Learning to love yourself is one of the biggest challenges you will ever face, and the work is never finished. It is a continual, ongoing process. (Gala Darling, Radical Self-Love)”